One of the many ways to encourage premarital couples to identify positives attributes in each other and also respond positively with optimism would be first to demonstrate to them how they could develop positive affirmations that would combat their own internal personal negative irrational thoughts and perceptions. When one learns to change the way he or she thinks and feel about his or herself in a positive outlook they can begin to build up/affirm their loved one’s esteem and identify their positive attributes.
I would admonish premarital couples to see Jesus in each other and understand that each is a child of God and a sister and brother in Christ in order to maintain some level of respect for each other. When you are self-confident you are able to esteem others. What I sometimes encounter during a counseling session is interacting with a client who can easily encourage and maintain optimism towards his/hers loved on but have difficulty doing the same for him/her.
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THE NEXT 5 PEOPLE THAT SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG AND EMAIL LIST WILL RECEIVE A FREE DIGITAL COPY OF MY NEWEST BOOK “8 WEEK PREMARITAL eGUIDE” THAT WILL BE PUBLISHED WITHIN 2 WEEKS. IT IS DESIGNED FOR SINGLES, ENGAGED COUPLES, NEWLY-WEDS OR THOSE COURTING AND CONSIDERING MARRIAGE EITHER NOW OR LATER…YOU MAY EVEN KNOW SOMEONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM THIS eBOOK aka eGUIDE. See info in video below.
I’M MOTIVATED BY GOD FIRST, HIS WORD…BUT ALSO by MY FRIENDS, FAMILY MEMBERS, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MY CLIENTS AND FOLLOWERS BECAUSE WHEN A CLIENT OR SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA TELLS ME THAT I INSPIRE THEM IN SOME FORM, IT MAKES ME WANT TO CONTINUE TO DO WHAT I FEEL I WAS CALLED TO DO AND BE, AND THAT’S NOT IN VAIN OR FOR NAUGHT. IT TELLS ME THAT I AM LEAVING A MARK THAT CANNOT BE ERASED-MAKING A LASTING POSITIVE IMPACT THAT WILL REMAIN. SO, NOW I ASK YOU…
WHAT MOTIVATES YOU TO LIVE ON PURPOSE?
What motivates you to live on purpose?
— Cheryl Howard (@getyourlifebak) November 5, 2015
More TBI Awareness:
Understanding individuals with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injuries): Many people do not understand what it is like living with a TBI or disability in any form. Many with TBI struggle with esteem and self-concept issues such as feeling you lost a sense of self because of the following symptoms and because the TBI is not immediately visible. We may misinterpret him/her as having mental illness or as ignorant without connecting their behavior to underlying issues, and treat people with TBI like many of us who have encountered a person who may display poor judgment or irrational behavior with a judgmental and disrespectful attitude by yelling or talking about them in a negative manner.
If there is trauma/damage to their Frontal lobes, then there will be manifestations of dis-inhibiting (lack of restraint, impulsivity, cognitive disabilities, emotional outburst, BI-Polar disorders, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, migraines, poor concentration, feelings of anti-social/socially withdrawn, displacement, an emotional disconnect/numbing, intrusive memories, low self-esteem, depression, irritability, aggression, frustration, overwhelmed, avoidance, difficulty dealing with confrontation, misinterpreting social cues, inappropriate behavior, etc.). And these symptoms can even be more intense if the client has a past history of substance abuse. Because of any damage to the right frontal lobe, there may be short and long-term memory loss resulting in an inability to plan, organize, comprehend, problem-solve, cope, low initiative and motivation/determination, low interests and social interaction, low to mild engagement in dialogue, etc. The emotional disconnect often results in not being able to show an appropriate emotion to good memories or events or unable to express themselves-leaving the other person (without TBI) feeling alone without intimacy or thinking the person is uninterested. If you want to know more about TBI see: http://traumaticbraininjury.com/
**Many of us have all experience many of these above issues without a physical or mental disability due to various situations, traumas such sexual abuse, molestation, broken parental relationships, poor communication skills, financial & environmental issues, and more… Personal life coaching can help you navigate and see your way clear with new mindset and life perspective that will help you in the midst of hardship and challenges to get your life back.**
BOOM! GET YOUR LIFE BACK!
“NEW BOOK RELEASE”
I come as your mid-wife and life coach, and I wrote this book to push YOU to BELIEVE GOD and allow Him to empower you to live on purpose and fulfill His purpose, obtain goals, and walk in your destiny! So if you are ready to get out of a cycle, a pit, a curse, that maze or that place called STUCK, Just pray to God “Let Me Out!”
Free Coaching Nuggets: Sick and tired of being afraid and fearful?
Ever was afraid of taking authoritative roles at work, in performance, or in your church? Some people grew up in a home, never being allowed to join the school chorus, scouts, school clubs, attend summer camps, or even have friends come over for a visit. Are your social skills horrible/weak because of this? You don’t know what a relationship or REALationship looks or feels like? Our sense of self begins in our growth and developmental stages. Interesting? Does this address you? Then check out my article in the Examiner to get more. This may work as a catalyst to get you started in the right exploration and direction: http://www.examiner.com/article/sick-and-tired-of-being-afraid-and-fearful
Second Discussion-Coaching Corner: Learning to increase social skills and at becoming more independent of your support/enablers so you can work towards stepping out on faith to fulfill your dreams and goal attainment:
Socially: (Practice at becoming more open and engaged with others.)
- Explore your underlying feelings and concerns or conflicts in regards to developing your social skills. Start out by building up your inner-man (spiritual self) by knowing how God feels and think of you –vs– what you feel and think of yourself. Follow after King David’s confidence, he said, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalms 139:13-16 NIV) But, read the whole chapter to get an understanding.
- Enhance your quality of life (socially) starts by increasing your confidence and self-esteem by transforming your mind which will positively change your self-concept (the way you see yourself). See: Romans 12:1 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
- Stay on course, cut out the distractions by keeping focused on your immediate goal of increasing social skills and activities. Explore social institutions that offer social activities of interests to you.
- Encourage yourself for making an effort.
- Apply the disciplines of faith-Develop an action plan. Give yourself a homework assignment to journal thoughts. Write down any stressors and/or issues you think are conflicts your progress. Know your triggers!!! This can help you understand and work on ways of reducing any impact or effects of these stressors on your overall health and obtaining of goals. Faith and works! Ready? Set? Go!
Towards Independence and Goal Attainment: (For the co-dependent, disorganized person or someone regaining their independence during post injury or illness and needs to retrain him or herself…)
- Identify your strengths and cognitive abilities to help build confidence and decrease your focus on other’s abilities to concentrate on building yourself up. (Psalm 118:8, It is better to trust in the LORD Than to put confidence in man.)
- Trust God to see you through: “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose hope is the LORD (Jeremiah 17:7 NKJV).
- No more waiting for others to prompt or remind you of what you have to do. Organize your own time by using any reminding tools such as an organizer, small recorder, phone alarm or large calendar. This is an effort to encourage you to become more independent and meet your own needs.
- Work at maintaining a positive attitude towards becoming more independent and connecting more with social networks (co-workers, friends and community-based programs-recreational facilities-social activities-online social networks (Facebook, Twitter, etc.).
- Develop an action plan. Give yourself a homework assignment to journal thoughts. Write down any stressors and/or issues you think are conflicts your progress. Know your triggers!!! This can help you understand and work on ways of reducing any impact or effects of these stressors on your overall health and obtaining of goals.
In developing meaningful relationships, work at increasing your communication (listening) skills, by not allowing your emotions to dictate your behavior. You will miss out on THE RECEIVING END of vital information from the SENDER (the one speaking to you). Your negative feelings of past rejection, assumptions, expectations, past experiences, prejudices, strong feelings and poor self-concept can create a barrier of distraction to where you only hear these underlying issues rather than what the SENDER is actually conversing with you. You immediately jump to conclusions and/or become defensive….etc. Let us examine our heart as we do before the Lord to see if there is any…David said, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”(Psalm 139:23-24) NIV
What Were You Born to Do?
Some people are born artists. Our society sometimes frown on the artistic side of human beings and try to fit them into a prescribed mapped out ideal career or education tract. This is one of the reasons why so many of us are unhappy at our jobs, because simply put, “It’s not us” or we have trouble adjusting or discontent but since we have to make a living…and the fact that we have been conditioned to think that WE HAVE to always settle and fall into the system because we have to work at doing something. But we as parents who are whole and know better, understand that we have to raise up a child in THE WAY THAT HE/SHE SHOULD GO, OH come on somebody, I bet you never applied this scripture to this area right? But I want you to know that you and I can Get Our Life Back! The life God originally ordained, purposed, engrafted, gifted, talented and empowered us to live, even if it doesn’t fit into the ‘norm’ and as long as it’s pleasing to God! Amen. I’m fin to set someone free today! Tired of folks-society trying to fit you into a caste-system of “Do it their way” or “Go with the status Quo?” King David understood his uniqueness and that God had an awesome and special life planned for him to experience when he wrote the 139th division of Psalm. He notes, “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:13-16, NIV Bible).
Check out my other blog articles below and my articles as the New York Christian Examiner on Examiner.com
Brief Article: “The Liar Affected God’s Perfect Design for Male/Female Relationships”
Ministry can be displayed through marital, familial and friendship-relationships by the way couples and families demonstrate God’s love, grace, forgiveness, favor, giving, sharing, sacrifice, suffering, unselfish acts, counsel, and more. The heart of God can be mimicked through the male/female relationship.
God’s original untainted design of marriage is a covenant and a holy institution originated by God, and a spiritual/natural commitment and covenant between two individuals in a marriage (A Man and a Woman). The Holy Scriptures says, “It is not good for the ‘man’ to be alone. I will make a helper (Suitable) for him…….Then the Lord God made a ‘woman’ from the rib he had taken out of the ‘man’ and be brought ‘Her’ to the ‘Man’……For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and ‘they’ will become one flesh. The ‘Man’ (Male) and His Wife (female) were both naked and they felt no shame,” Genesis Chapter 2:19-25 New International Version (NIV). See, before the fall, there was no shame because Adam and Eve knew no sin as Jesus (second Adam) knew no sin and was perfect. Adam and Eve lived as other mammals. Their skin and hair were their covering and protection.
Consequences of the fall of Satan (fallen angel who got besides himself-deceiver/disobedience) threw a sledge hammer in God’s perfect plan for man and women to live in harmony to co-create, replenish the earth and multiply (increase, build, expand, prosper). Genesis chapter three explains the fall and consequence. This means that Adam and Eve were on one accord-like minded before they encountered the tempter and liar. Once Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate from tree of the knowledge of good and evil, iniquity and sin entered into them. They then were no longer like-minded. Just as Satan deceived other angels (one third) in Heaven with him and they too fell, thus his plan to cause humanity to fall as well. Now everything was corrupted by the enemy including relationships between man and woman and families. Even the act of sexual intimacy became perverted.
Perversion of sexual intimacy is another problem that is not often discussed publicly. There are countless debates about what “The bed being undefiled” means but truth is, humanity is influenced by their own cultural norms and traditions. These cultural sexual practices often adopted from paganistic societies that are obsessed with nudity and sexual perversion and ungodly sacrifices, and many couples have brought these practices into their bedroom unaware. But that’s another article. These ‘norms’ and traditions sometimes come with demonic or lustful ungodly desires thus, perverting even God’s perfect plan of sexual intimacy between husbands and wives. Both partners in a marital relationship come with some sought of a past, and some of that past may include warped thinking based on twisted teaching and examples (who themselves were also affected-generational patterns going back to the fall), perverse imaginations and thoughts, and worldly ideas instead of Christian worldviews. This is what Moses witnessed after he came down from Mount Sinai (cliffs) and being in the presence of the Lord thy God (after 3 months-Feast of weeks/Shavuot) with the Ten Commandments, and found God’s people (Children of Israel) engaging in every imaginable sin. See Genesis chapter 19. Bottom line, We all need a savior/redeemer!
After the fall, both men and women were negatively impacted and men and women became engaged in unclean and sinful lifestyles. Both sexes are bombarded with images of lust: porn, polyamory (several sexual intimate partners), swinging (recreational sex with multiple partners), incest, polysexuality (attraction to multiple genders), homosexuality and more. It is a no brainer why many marriages are torn over God’s original design for sexual intimacy. Everyone have different ideas of what intimacy and sexual intimacy entails. Each individual in a couple, have his/her own experiences that influence their cognitive processes and behavior. So our mental content is affected and conditioned by these experiences. Couples need to understand their own “hot topics”- (“knowing what pushes their buttons”). Understanding each other’s emotional triggers can help a couple work on reducing any toxicity and unfairness in a quarrel. This is why couples need to operate having the mind of Christ and understand that marriage represents the bride of Christ/the Lamb’s wife (preparing for His return) found in Revelation 21:9. Because of this knowledge, couples need to create a nurturing, safe place, and a positive, trusting environment of acceptance where each could be vulnerable and honest.
Both partners may bring some form of baggage to the premarital and marital relationship and this is why grace and mercy is needed from both partners. When we look at the story of the building of the Tower of Babel in Genesis chapter 11, and how the men were on one accord but became prideful and desired to build a city with the biggest tower in the world with the intent of become internationally famous. Surely this idea grieved God who then decided to shut the construction down and divided their languages so they could no longer speak the same language thus, different languages made it difficult for them to agree and work together and so they became scattered across the earth. As a result, an increase in various cultures, and their traditions emerged.
As we look at matters that influence and impact marriages as a whole, to a degree, we need to understand the root cause and origin of why certain issues and battles exist in the first place, and what couples can do to renew, restore, transform and make corrections in order to create healthy relationships by first approaching each other with grace, godly wisdom and unconditional love.
Humanity needs grace. It is apparent how the father of lies, the son of perdition and this disobedient one (Satan) interjects in the affairs of men and women. Because he was disobedient and is the originator of sin, man became disobedient and needed grace, mercy and forgiveness which is embodied through Christ Jesus, the only begotten of the father.
Footnotes and where to purchase my new book:
Unless otherwise indicated all Bible references in this paper are to The New International Version Bible (NIV) (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1984), and The Holy Bible: The New King James Version (NKJV) (Nashville Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 1982).
 Les Parrott, and Leslie Parrott, “Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before–and after–you marry,” (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006): 119.
Cheryl’s new book, “Let Me Out!” (Bury the past and live! Embrace your new identity in Christ! Be free! Forgive yourself! Tear down those rebellious walls that stifle you from moving forward…So what is screaming inside of you? What do you need to overcome and become the man or woman God has ordained you to be? Be Free! You can start by crying and ask, “God,“Let Me Out!” http://letmeout.net/ Available on Barnes and Noble, Amazon and my eStore. Each store link is on my book’s website). Blessings and Peace!
Some people are born artists. Our society sometimes frown on the artistic side of human beings and try to fit them into a prescribed mapped out ideal career or education tract. This is one of the reasons why so many of us are unhappy at our jobs, because simply put, “It’s not us” or we have trouble adjusting or discontent but since we have to make a living…and the fact that we have been conditioned to think that WE HAVE to always settle and fall into the system because we have to work at doing something. But we as parents who are whole and know better, understand that we have to raise up a child in THE WAY THAT HE/SHE SHOULD GO, OH come on somebody, I bet you never applied this scripture to this area right? But I want you to know that you and I can Get Our Life Back! The life God originally ordained, purposed, engrafted, gifted, talented and empowered us to live, even if it doesn’t fit into the ‘norm’ and as long as it’s pleasing to God! Amen. I’m fin to set someone free today! This message came to me first and I’m sharing it with you because it was meant for me to release and bless others. They’re trying to tell you that your name is Toby and you are trying to tell ‘them’ “No, it’s Kunta Kinte.
Pick up your copy of my first book and be encouraged by my testimonials and Godly wisdom on overcoming obstacles, ruts, dens, valleys, mountains, miry clay, storms hills, bottom of a wine press experiences …. to allowing God lift you and liberate you and then you will see the plan of God and what He has anointed you for down here, on Earth, as it is in Heaven! Go go ahead and let yourself out by the hand of God to start walking by faith-walking on water, going to new places as God leads you, stepping our of fear, networking outside you normal circles, coming our of your shell, achieving your dreams, goals, exploring your talents and gifts, get ready to spread your wings!